Bill O'Reilly: "SpongeBob's my best friend now."

Amazingly, that title isn't a joke. It's an actual quote from the Lord of the Loofahs himself.

Funny thing about O'Reilly. He once claimed that between 2001 and 2003 his boycott of French goods had "lost [France]billions of dollars according to 'The Paris Business Review.'" Except that there's no such magazine, and after he announced his boycott, America was importing more from France. And he actually announced it in 2003. Details, details.

Now he claims to have "saved SpongeBob single-handedly." If it hadn't been for the efforts of the ersatz newsman, the enormously popular kids' show would have been history. And why? Because O'Reilly "mocked [the speculation that SpongeBob was gay], and, as soon as we did that, it went away."

Wow. Who knew he was such a huge influence on the nation? Only the staff of the Paris Business Review...