Wal-Mart is Watching.... out for you.

This is rich. I recently heard that Wal-Mart opted to close a Canadian store rather than let its butchers(!) unionize. Sure, they're anti-union. And they've been busted for hiring illegal immigrants at their stores-- and locking them in during their shifts. And they've abandoned Sam Walton's one-time mission of supporting the American economy by outsourcing manufacturing jobs to third-world nations. And violated labor laws by issuing chainsaws to adolescents.

But they're actually really nice guys. See, you can tell because they've set up this neat website explaining just how nice they are. Especially to dark-skinned types. Well, I assume that because of the prominence of ethnic minorities on the pages. Oh, and they like old people, too.

Here's how the president and CEO introduces the site:

"We appreciate the people who work with us and shop with us. Use this site to get the Wal-Mart facts you need. It's designed especially for you...and, it is straight from us [sic]. We appreciate your business and thank you for being part of our success."

Funny how Newspeak always sounds like just what it is. And it's really easy to parody, too. Here, I'll just ad lib:

"We appreciate the people who work with us and shop with us (you can't really parody that-- you just need a visual of a fat, oily, white man clutching round bags with dollar signs on them). Use this site to get the Wal-Mart facts that aren't like those lies you hear from consumer advocates,human rights advocates, or dress-wearing liberals. It's designed especially for those of you who might take it seriously... and, it is straight from us (another self-parody there). We appreicate your business. OH, do we appreciate your business! And thank you for our second and third homes."

And wha'dya know?!? Wal-Mart contributed $1,604,000 to the GOP last year. Huh.