Jessica Simpson declines Bush invite

This story, start to finish, is such a white-hot supernova of comedy it's actually difficult to look at. But put on some sunglasses and do it anyway. It's a must-read.

It breaks down like this:

1. GOP holds mega-fundraiser disguised as charity event: [NRCC spokesman Carl] Forti said the Republican group had even arranged for Simpson to dine at one of the head tables with U.S. House of Representatives Majority Leader John Boehner, an Ohio Republican. The NRCC hopes the $2,500-per-plate dinner event will raise $7.5 million for Republican candidates in the congressional midterm elections in November.

2. Brain-dead pop tart declines over dubious morality: Concerned about politicizing her favorite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

The apparent final word that Simpson would be a no-show at a major Republican fund-raiser with Bush and congressional leaders on Thursday night came after a day of conflicting reports from her camp and organizers of the event.

3. GOP whines: "It's never been a problem for Bono," he said, referring to the U2 rock star who has met regularly with political leaders of all stripes to promote various causes, including Third World debt relief. "I find it hard to believe she would pass up an opportunity to lobby the president on behalf of Operation Smile."

Wow. That talentless bimbo gal in the most excruciating commercial in years, the one whose entire goofy marriage was aired on television right up to its inevitable demise, shows herself to be a more morally complex person than... anyone in the GOP establishment.

And why does the GOP, professional panderers to the fundamentalist right, want a walking jiggle-fest like Simpson at their event? For the same reason Bob Dole was willing to pop wood in an ad with Britney Spears? Is it just the dirty old man factor?

Did the RNCC really think that a seat next to snap-on haired douche John Boehner is an incentive for a 20-something sex symbol? "Wow! John Boehner?!? I'm soooo there!"

Literally every sentence in this article is a comedic goldmine. Enjoy.