The War on Sweet Thangs

In the face of the worst terrorist attack on American soil, and the worst natural disaster on American soil, the administration has decided the time is ripe to go after the greatest danger to the nation (besides homosexuals, I mean): the dreaded scourge of nudie mags. Actually, I suppose the Internet is making pornography in print a thing of the past. But that's not the point.

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

Among friends and trusted colleagues, an experienced national security analyst said, "it's a running joke for us."

A few of the printable samples:

"Things I Don't Want On My Résumé, Volume Four."

"I already gave at home."

"Honestly, most of the guys would have to recuse themselves."