Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of Bizarroworld...?

Fred Thompson worries me. One reason is that he's quickly become the darling of "conservative intellectuals." Another is that, more than any other Republican hopeful, he has the stupefying blend of personal shortcomings that have translated into massive electoral success with conservative voters in the last few decades.

1. He's a pretend tough guy.
2. He's a pretend regular guy.
3. He's a very real bullshit artist.
4. He's a blank slate-- that is, a PR man's dream come true.

That's just the short list, but the more I learn about Thompson the more he appears to combine the worst traits of Reagan and Bush the Second. Like Reagan, he's an actor who manages to project paternal authority and down-home charm. Even when he's lying to the nation. Like the Boy King, he personifies that "born on third base and thinks he hit a triple" spirit that conservatives keep mistaking for the pioneering spirit of a self-made man.

And by self-made, I mean he knocked up the daughter of a wealthy family in high school. But, hey-- her folks weren't cutting the checks when he decided to throw her over for a woman younger than his own daughter. That takes initiative, folks.