The Daily Sandwich

"We have to learn the lesson that intellectual honesty is fundamental for everything we cherish." -Sir Karl Popper

Location: Boston, Massachusetts, United States


Thursday, July 05, 2007

Is that a thumb you're sucking, or are you just a Republican?

This is sort of a funny article-- the Prospect looks at conservatives' weird obsession with the hunkiness of their presidential candidates. Especially conservative men. And the author has no trouble whatsoever finding talking heads who swoon over their dreamboat of choice.

Well, no matter what your answer, several political commentators have decided that their impressions on these issues are important. Take Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's Hardball. Matthews has asked whether Giuliani would win a late-night street fight in Queens against the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and has shared with us that Giuliani's personality makes him remember the ominous sentence: "Just wait until Daddy comes home".

Fred Thompson makes Matthews even more giddy. On a recent episode of Hardball, he wanted to know if his female guest found Thompson sexually attractive. This must be the case, given that Thompson looks "seasoned and in charge of himself" and smells of English Leather, Aqua Velva or cigar smoke.

Even Mitt Romney gets nods of approval from Matthews, who thinks he has a perfect chin and perfect hair, both apparently attributes of importance for a president.

And Chris Matthews isn't the only pundit who's apparently enamored of these three Republican candidates. Roger Simon, The Politico's chief columnist, has written that Mitt Romney is "strong, clear and gives good soundbite, and has shoulders you could land a 737 on." Earlier Simon was enraptured by Romney's "chiseled-out-of-granite features, a full dark head of hair going a distinguished gray at the temples, and a barrel chest." Bill O'Reilly of Fox News agreed, announcing that Romney appears "presidential," a sentiment that was echoed by NBC News Washington bureau chief Tim Russert. An article in Newsweek described Romney as "buff and handsome in middle age."

A New York Times profile called Rudy Giuliani "a commanding daddy of a candidate," Mark Halperin of Time praised Fred Thompson's "magnetism". And on and on.

Any of these statements would undoubtedly be a big laugh-getter from the obligatory flamboyant gay character on a typical sitcom, or a groan if the speaker was a vapid, high-school cheerleader type. But Chris Matthews asking women if Fred "Droopy Dog" Thompson gets them all hot 'n bothered. Or if everyone had noticed Mitt's toooooooo sweet shoulders and that fabulous hair. And I'm going to guess that more than one gay personal ad has featured the words "commanding daddy," Mr. Halperin.

What's the point? I don't really have one, but I should probably start working on a stand-up routine. This is comedy gold.