The Pictorial Guide to the American Presidency

America has a long and proud history of electing truly great men to the office of President of the United States. Wait, scratch that. There are some pretty good ones-- even in the 20th century (I'm talking to you, FDR), but things have been looking a little off this century.

But we can't all be presidential historians with nice smiles like Peter Beschloss. So here's a handy pocket guide that will allow you to track the history of the presidency, from the nation in its infancy to the beloved, solvent, rational nation we have become. All credit for this goes to the funnymen at www.somethingawful.com.

Term of Office	1789-1797	2000-200?
Religious Beliefs	Deist. Felt that God created the universe and then abandoned it.	Consults with Jesus when making important presidential decisions.
Political Party	None.	Community Bible Study
Business Ventures	Made a decent living growing and selling tobacco.	Squandered millions on failed oil companies.
Slave ownership	Owned several slave families but felt that slavery was inherently wrong and should be abolished over a gradual period of time.	Owns several slaves and makes them play Mouse Trap with him.
Greatest Political Achievement	Voluntarily relinquished power even though some people wanted him to retain that power for life.	Declared June 10th as "Jesus Day" in Texas.
Achievements as President	Signed the Judiciary Act of 1789. Set a precedent that Presidents could only serve two terms in office.	Successfully made number 2 in the toilet. Choked on a peanut.
Military Rank	On October 11th, 1976 Washington was posthumously appointed the grade of General of the Armies of the United States. No other officer of the United States Military outranks him.	Served in the Air National Guard decided not to show up after a while.
International Policy	Felt that the United States should focus solely on American interests and not get involved in foreign wars.	Believes in the lofty goal of instilling democracy into the middle east but fucking it all up in the process.